Sunday, January 26, 2014

How old am I really?

  Okay, so I have been making friends while here ( good job I know), and some of them are even around my age. While the ones that fall into my age category are really fun to play around with, I usually don't seem to be able to hold a conversation with them. I have wondered why this is, and the best reasoning I can come up with is in a lot of ways I feel like I am more mature than my peers.
   I realized today at lunch that the people I most readily talk to are old enough to be my dad, and are often former military. I am an old soul trapped in a young mans body!  Now if you know me at all you are probably thinking, " you, mature? yeah right!". But I think in some ways it may be the social environment I grew up in, my main peers were family and I think as a whole we are all mature for our age. ( Homeschoolers!)
    Personality I am sure also plays into it a lot I am sure, like I have decided to take responsibility seriously, and have for some time pursued to have a self disciplined life.. ( I have failed at this many times, I freely admit) If you want to go into psychology on this, it could be compensation in some areas of personality to try to make up for areas I never let develop, reasons for this lack of development vary in cause from person to person.
   One area I will admit to not ever letting develop would be relating to girls (terrifying creatures, especially if I have any sort of attraction to one)
I have long known that this is a problem, but I honestly don't know how to let the perfectly normal, healthy God given part of my personality that is my sexuality develop. I buried it as something dark, and ungodly in my early teen years. ( as our culture has made it something shameful)  So if I had an attraction develop, I would either have my entire personality shut down around that person, or I became a jack-ass.
    As an over compensation for this weak point I developed rigorous self discipline for spirit, and also body at different points as I grew up. Hoping that  in maturing I would get past inner vows that I bound myself with in other areas of my personality. I am learning that when you don't let an area develop as it should, it doesn't develop until you let it.   Two great books on this subject that I am  in the process of reading are : Wild at Heart, by John Eldredge. And: Changes that Heal  by Dr. Henry Cloud.
                       Anyhow, thank you for reading, I hope I didn't say anything more than you wanted to know about me. As I am still learning about myself, and why I am not yet who I want to be, but maybe being open with you helped you. Either way be blessed

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

What am I doing here? ( In a good sense)

As odd as this is I would like to start off with an apology,
 I am apologizing because I was going to post some of the live worhip that was going on down in the lobby. We had several students gathered around, and 3 guitars out and we spent an hour and a half just in worship down in the lobby. It was during that time I got the idea to get my microphone, and computer out to share with yall.....I did record it and cut some tracks,  (there was still background noise, but we are in the lobby of the mens dorms, not a studio) but my computer ate the tracks before I could upload them.

    Now may be the time to mention how talented of students we have here, the people that we have training today will be the worship leaders we have on the radio tomorrow, I do draw on past examples of this as part of my reasoning for this statement, Kari Jobe being a CFNI graduate. But I also draw the conclusion because of the things really emphasized here are pursuing excellence,  and personal discipline. ( it looks like I phrased that weird)

   I have drawn conclusions about myself in this atmosphere,among them are yes I have pursued discipline, but maybe not excellence. I have for the most part remained debt-free in my life, but I never saved money for the future. I prayed, fasted, and studied the word before, but never really had an overflow where I affected others lives (intentionally). I kept to a diet and exercise enough to not be fat and lazy, but not enough to maintain health long term. I worked hard, yet without advancing in responsibility. All this to say, I was a man without vision, and where there is no vision the people perish ( or they are unrestrained) I only looked far enough to avoid the "no's" in life , I wasn't making a difference in this dying world. I have really been seeking what God wants to do in and through my life.   Among the endeavors I want to pursue are missions, but I think God has also placed in me a vision to help launch young artists into their destiny , so I will be looking into the production side of the music industry, and also seeking to honor God in the abilities He has given me in music by training in them (my vision right now doesn't have leading worship for thousands, but I want to be excellent when I offer praise to him on my instrument of 6 strings). But my prayer is that from this place I would always pursue excellence in all endeavors, not settle for anything less than what He has for me.
                Thank you all, blessings upon you.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

So so busy!

     Well I write this in the few minutes between breakfast and class today because I haven't talked to you, my adoring fans in a week or so. CFNI is really good! I have been stretched, made to better know my Bible, keep in a place of prayer, and been studying as often as I can. Beyond that, I have been looking for work; Its coming soon I know. But last night I did take off from all my hard work to go to the kickoff party for the men's dorms.
    The kickoff party was a lot of fun, we had a jungle pingpong tournament, I sucked at. We had a manly arm wrestling tournament, I lost but think I did good considering the competition was much buffer than me. BUT!!! we also had an eating contest (also very manly) And this one I won!!!! We had a plate of food that we had to eat< without using our hands, it was something like 4 and 1/2 hot dogs and 5 biscuits. It was I the competitor from the 9th floor, weighing in at 160 lbs, that was best able to stuff his face!  And my prize for this fierce competition?
 And after being given my prize I led about 10 guys in this workout.

     Thank yall for reading, God bless.

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Learning what to expect

Today I have more orientation, woohoo! Yesterday was the academic orientation, and with it the first assignment. An autobiography by Freda Lindsey, that chronicles both her faith walk after the passing of her husband, and the history of CFNI. It is really a good assignment, as I get to see the history of the school I am at and how God has provided for them more than they could ask or imagine.
As I read the history of CFNI, the psalms, exodus, and of about anywhere else God has moved, I start to realize “Wow I can’t do this on my own”. I knew that I couldn’t change the world before on my own before I got here, but my study so far has made me realize just how desperately I do need His grace to accomplish what He has called me to.
 It is as one of the students here told me, this is a place you come knowing about God, not a place fresh converts usually start, but seasoned believers come and they change. Their understanding of God changes, mindsets change. 
So in all this what I want to say is that this is where I needed to be, even if I didn’t know how much til after I arrived here. God has great things in store here! Thank you for reading, Peace out. 

Continued from This morning, I had the deans orientation this morning and got to learn all the things I have to do to succeed, and all the things I'm not allowed to do. Basically they went over the rules I looked up before I got here in the student handbook. 

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Hello Everyone!

 My name is Stephen, and I have been called to change the world. I start this blog at the onset of my new life at Christ for the Nations Institute in Dallas. I am going to pray what my posts are "supposed to look like. This is also for the people back home that want to keep up with me and my life.

 I have started settling in here at school, and one of my stories at this point is as follows.
 I moved to Dallas by the strength provided by God, and the finances he provided*. And immediately started to try to wrest control of my direction from God, I was hard at it on job hunting , figuring exactly what my schedule will look like, accounting for all I could. And continued like that for about a day and a half, and after becoming frustrated paused to pray. Amazing!! I hear God say "consider the ravens, how they neither sow nor reap, which have neither storehouse nor barn; and God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds? (Luke 12:24) So I backed off to listen for His voice as I send out applications, because He told me to let Him take care of it, and focus more on the reasons He brought me here.

For those of you back home that are wondering. Yes I can get homesick, I didn't know it til I picked up and moved somewhere foreign to me, but I really can. So keep me in your prayers, as I am here.

1* Thank you to all who have contributed to my schooling here .