Sunday, January 26, 2014

How old am I really?

  Okay, so I have been making friends while here ( good job I know), and some of them are even around my age. While the ones that fall into my age category are really fun to play around with, I usually don't seem to be able to hold a conversation with them. I have wondered why this is, and the best reasoning I can come up with is in a lot of ways I feel like I am more mature than my peers.
   I realized today at lunch that the people I most readily talk to are old enough to be my dad, and are often former military. I am an old soul trapped in a young mans body!  Now if you know me at all you are probably thinking, " you, mature? yeah right!". But I think in some ways it may be the social environment I grew up in, my main peers were family and I think as a whole we are all mature for our age. ( Homeschoolers!)
    Personality I am sure also plays into it a lot I am sure, like I have decided to take responsibility seriously, and have for some time pursued to have a self disciplined life.. ( I have failed at this many times, I freely admit) If you want to go into psychology on this, it could be compensation in some areas of personality to try to make up for areas I never let develop, reasons for this lack of development vary in cause from person to person.
   One area I will admit to not ever letting develop would be relating to girls (terrifying creatures, especially if I have any sort of attraction to one)
I have long known that this is a problem, but I honestly don't know how to let the perfectly normal, healthy God given part of my personality that is my sexuality develop. I buried it as something dark, and ungodly in my early teen years. ( as our culture has made it something shameful)  So if I had an attraction develop, I would either have my entire personality shut down around that person, or I became a jack-ass.
    As an over compensation for this weak point I developed rigorous self discipline for spirit, and also body at different points as I grew up. Hoping that  in maturing I would get past inner vows that I bound myself with in other areas of my personality. I am learning that when you don't let an area develop as it should, it doesn't develop until you let it.   Two great books on this subject that I am  in the process of reading are : Wild at Heart, by John Eldredge. And: Changes that Heal  by Dr. Henry Cloud.
                       Anyhow, thank you for reading, I hope I didn't say anything more than you wanted to know about me. As I am still learning about myself, and why I am not yet who I want to be, but maybe being open with you helped you. Either way be blessed

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